Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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