I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
