I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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