if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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