Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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