I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
