I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
