I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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