im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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