If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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