I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
