Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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