You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
why is half of my head shaved?
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