i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
