I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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