My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
