Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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