Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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