she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
