Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
