just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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