I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
