Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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