so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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