Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
