my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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