Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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