i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
