Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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