I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
