I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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