I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
