They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
