i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
