Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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