He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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