It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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