So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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