You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
