dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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