I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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