I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
