Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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