ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
