Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
