I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
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You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
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Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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