my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
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Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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