Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
