Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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