if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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