i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
