Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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