I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
