today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
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I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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