here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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