I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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