You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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