We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
