Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
